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I have a very powerful subconscious.
It allows me to psuedo-LIVE,in an eggshell state-all the while pretending (almost even convincing MYSELF) that everything is truly OKAY,when indeed,it isn't.

I am learning that when something bad happens,you can't always face it right away.In fact,I spun myself so far into circles,with overworking myself,ignoring what I need to pay attention to (my recent trauma),being sick and dehydrating myself,I managed to find myself in the E.R. last week.

I MUST pay attention to the book of hurt,lying on the table in front of me,and address it.Not only that,but read that fucking thing front to back,and make sure that I have it all "downloaded",and beging to face it all,in an honest way...If I don't DO this,I'm going to expire-literally. I know it's true. I can't deny it.

Much as I would love to more than anything to continue trying to fool myself,yet,I can't afford to be ignorant of my recent events...What happens to your sanity when something like this happens to you?

I'm scared.Lonely.Very alone.Lonely.Sickly.Brave.Dying.Happy.Miserable.Out of control.Heartsick.Denial.Imaginary death.Losing me.Losing people around me because of the way I'm reacting to this event.Wanting nothing more than to run away,far far away and fast,until I can't recall anything anymore.My only happy moments are when I'm with Dale...When Ruth has me laughing so hard I can't breathe...When my boss sees me coming in late to work for like the bamillionth time,and he glares,but still welcomes me with a joke and a smile...When music has reached it's greatest moment (many) and erupts in my ears,leaking down into my soul,and I can FEEL SOMETHING again...at least,for a moment,anyway.

-Sarah M.